Train etiquette - September 2003
Ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls. Transsexuals and bondage gimps. Priests and alter boys. Learn how to use the fucking train.
I frequent public transport, and I'm sorry to say there's some glaring fuckups contained within the moving funboxes that are our trains. I know I'm not the first person to whinge about it, but goddam it, I'm gonna be the most pedantic!
I have long legs. These long legs need room when seated for optimum comfortability. If I'm sitting at a window seat and there's TWO seats in the block of four that don't involve my leg space... why would you sit in front of me? Is it some retarded attempt at generosity so that someone doesn't have to say "excuse me" to get past you to sit adjacent from me? Do you enjoy watching people squirm in genuine discomfort? Or are you so dimwitted you don't realise I might need leg, let alone personal, space. I'm leaning towards the latter.
Cigs. Don't go there. By all means finish it hanging out the door, suck down those precious last drags before the AC hits you with bland, untarred & carbon-monoxide lacking air. But don't bring it in a closed carriage, its pretty inconsiderate. People will smoke if they want to, they don't need your second hand stink in an enclosed area.
Speaking of wankers, who the fuck tries to get onboard before letting people off? Its basic common knowledge and sense. There's people waiting at the door to get OFF to make ROOM for you to get ON. Other people OFF = ROOM for you to get ON. Geddit?
Personal audio devices, as far as I'm concerned, are sweet. If you can't handle kid606 pumping out of my sennheisers you can blow me. I crank my volume purposely so I don't have to listen to oh-so-energetic schoolkids running riot. You're just cut cos you have to listen to them AND my muffled music.
Mobile phones are fine by me as well providing you're not one of these pooncy tosspots that acts as if the whole world wants to hear your phone conversation. Turn your ringtone down, turn your vocal chords down and get a life.
Follow elewd's contemporary guide to train etiquette and you should avoid all possible outbreaks of public-transport induced psychosis.
Oh and don't stare. Bitch.